I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
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