remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
