Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
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