Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
It all started with a game of naked twister.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
