at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
Randomize
