Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
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