My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
Randomize
