dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
Drunk walkin through police station. America
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
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