You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
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