i wish starbucks made bloody marys
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
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