An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
Randomize
