I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize