Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Randomize
