I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
