But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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