I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
they're both coked to the gills having a shouting match about the powers and abilities of godzilla. and using the wikipedia entry on the topic to support their respective arguments.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
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