weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
They are going to name an STD after you.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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