You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
