Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
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