did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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