I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
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