I accidentally had phone sex last night
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
There aren't nearly as many guys masturbating on chatroulette as i was led to believe...i feel cheated
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Randomize
