Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Randomize
