I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
Randomize
