there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Randomize
