he's going on about how he's going to treat me right and wants to let himself be in love with me and spend a lot of time together. kids these days. like its not about sex anymore. i'm confused.
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
