I wish I only lived at night.
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
You ate ashes out of my bong
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
