so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
Randomize