here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
Please answer
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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