Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
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