At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
