I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
Randomize