Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
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