I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
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