i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
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