im drinking this country out of the recession.
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
Is it good porn? Or is it more of that fucked up Cabbage Patch Doll porn you made us watch
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