My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
