So drunk its hurt
R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize