I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
Randomize
