they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize