My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
Randomize
