My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize