hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Randomize
