My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
this kid just came up to me and asked me if i wanted to play truth or aids with him and his friends. i'm in
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize