Lost. The hour! Funtime!!!!
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Randomize
