my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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