Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
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