He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
