2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
did you know that the clit is basically just a tiny penis? Ya.. So just think about that next time you're down there.
Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
I accidentally had phone sex last night
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
