Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
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