giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Randomize
