Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
Thumbs up
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
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