Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
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