Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
