Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Randomize
