He disabled his match.com account in front of me
So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
