I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Randomize
